12 People Reveal What Instantly Ruins Porn For Them

Porn Confessions

It’s no secret that a lot of porn production can be, well, sloppy. Who better to weigh in on porn’s absurd tropes—really? Another close up of his balls?—and flubs than the denizens of Reddit. AskReddit thread “What instantly ruins porn for you?” garnered so many responses that it inspired several spinoff threads, including an LGBT-centric version and a “What type of porn do you want but can’t find?” thread. We’ve culled together some of the best responses. Industry producers, take note.

 

The old bait-and-switch

“Video title: Big natural tits bouncing [HD] [Redhead]

Video thumbnail: Yep. Those are some big tits.

Video: 2 minutes awkward interview, 4 minutes shirt-on blowjob/handjob combo, 20 seconds tits, 6 minutes of extreme closeup of the girl’s asshole.

I don’t mind that people want to look longingly into this girl’s butthole and contemplate reality. I mind that the uploader is always, always lying to me about the content of the video.”

 

Not fooling anyone

How old are you?

18

Is this your first time?

Hehe, yes.

Then she proceeds to take a 9 inch dick up her ass…”

 

Oh, the shame

“Seeing reflection of yourself on the screen.”

 

Actually, that’s impressive

“I once watched a porno where this guy is hammering this girl and she was moaning and I was totally into it then all of a sudden she knocks over a cup on accident and midmoan/midsex she picks up the cup and puts it back. They’re not even trying anymore.”

 

Shh…

“When the cameraman begins to speak. SHUT UP!”

 

*snaps*

“Just because porn is everywhere doesn’t mean it’s any good.

You look for redheads and you find mostly Russian strippers with dye-jobs.

You look for lesbians and you find bored-looking models who just don’t mind having another woman’s fingers in them.

Genuinely sexy material involves some searching if you have any kind of standards.”

 

Ding!

“Background music. If I wanted to jerk it in an elevator, I would.”

 

Long fingernails

“Those women with scary long fingernails passionately thrusting their talons into the soft vaginas of their faux lesbian sex partners. Nope. No thanks. I’ll be having none of that.

Fat, hairy men fucking gorgeous women in high definition. 720p is high enough for that, thank you. I’d rather not have a high definition zoom of the back of your scraggly ballsack and a peek at your starfish, overweight, sweaty stranger.”

 

Legitimate public health concern

“Things that are medically unsafe eg. Switching from back to front without changing the condom. Infection, full speed ahead.”

 

So much Ikea furniture

“Bedspread and curtains that obviously came from the Dollar Store. Bad decor = losing boner. To say nothing about the area rug.”

 

DON’T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME

  • “TITTY SLAPPING. What the ever-loving fuck.
  • I get it, her asshole won’t close for a half hour.
  • Actors breaking the fourth wall. DON’T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME.
  • Cameramen/directors that talk while filming. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I am not here to jack offwith you.
  • Sticking the dick in her cheek so I can see it. I GET IT, YOUR DICK IS IN HER MOUTH. I am aware of how it works. I know it’s not a magic trick, I know your cock didn’t vanish.
  • Positions that are used only so I can see the cock(s?) going in and out that no one would ever find comfortable in real life. Directors, how about this: Have them fuck, and film that.
  • God. Damned. One. That ends with the guy jacking off onto her face. Lemme get this straight: You just fucked like goddamned wild beasts, and you’re going to finish by jacking off? What a horrible end to an amazing event. Talk about the ultimate letdown.
  • In general, treating the women like shit. I’m apparently a dude that likes “romance” porn over thinly-disguised violence toward women.”

 

Mic drop

“Why is it that, after reading the majority of responses, everything people have mentioned is in 90% of all porn? I mean, do the majority of porn directors think that most people watching porn enjoy seeing a man’s taint and balls during closeups, gaping assholes, a chick choking and slobbering on a cock, fake plastic body parts, hyper-exaggerated moaning, and a camera guy that won’t shut the fuck up?

Maybe I should start directing porn and market it to reddit users.”



Courtney Hamilton

An avid writer, reader, feminist and french fry fanatic.