According to The Wire, Christmas Eve is one of the most popular conception dates in the United States. While we’re not necessarily suggesting you get on board with the whole conceiving and birthing a human part, we can definitely get behind a more erotic holiday season. Below, we document the best erotic gifts to put under the tree this Christmas. Just don’t open these at your family gift exchange—grandma might confuse the candy cane glass dildo with a Christmas decoration.
We first wrote about the world’s first bionic dildo while it was still seeking crowdfunding to get into the homes of strap-on enthusiasts the world over. In less than two months, the toy garnered 200% funding and is now available for purchase online. A sexy version of wearable tech, the strap-on has a bullet vibrator at its base that delivers differing, lifelike sensations when the dildo—equipped with a “vein-like” pressure sensor—is stroked and sucked. It’s an incredibly versatile toy: use it solo, as a couple, or get creative with as many people as you want. Bonus: while it retails for a respectable $199, it’s $50 off now through December 22.
If the sales of delightfully terrible 50 Shades of Grey are any indication, the world is really into light (and not so light) bondage—as they should be! If safe and consensual, bondage can be a fun, adventurous way to explore with your partner(s). Liberator’s restraint systems are easy to use, secure and the cuffs are velvety soft. The “Bed Buckler” can be used with four-post and wrought-iron beds, though their website has plenty of options to suit your furniture situation. Throw a blindfold into the mix, and you’re in for a good night—or morning, whatever.
Dame Products’ Eva vibe is bound to be a game-changer for women: it’s a hands-free, non-intrusive clitoral vibrator that fits easily into a woman’s labia majora. Brainy ladies Alexandra Fine, CEO, and Janet Lieberman, CTO, designed the toy to address what they call the “pleasure gap,” or the disparity between male and female orgasm frequency. The vibe, which garnered an astounding $575,000 dollars in crowdfunding, is estimated to start shipping in early 2015. Pre-order it now and stick the gift receipt under the tree: it’s a gift well-worth the wait.
Confession: I own and love this thing. The clerk at ConRev, the sex shop where I bought it, had a very simple pitch for the Ariel vibe: “It gets the job done.” With seven escalating vibration speeds and rhythms, the clerk was not wrong. The toy is remarkably, uh, efficient. It’s also compact, easily-cleaned and waterproof. Its one foible is the uncommon battery type, LR44s, which don’t last particularly long and can be difficult to find. Stuff the stocking with some extra batteries, and you’ll be fine.
Weed is the new bacon: people want to put it in everything they can, even when it doesn’t make sense. But foria—a lubricant blend of coconut oil and lab-tested cannabis oil—makes a lot of sense. Amelia McDonell-Parry tried the stuff out over at The Frisky, writing, “I just felt really relaxed down there. Like, tension free. Like my vagina was kicking back on the beach in Mexico, without a care in the world. Like my pussy had popped a quaalude and washed it down with a stiff whiskey. My vagina was kind of blissed out and down for whatever.” If that’s not a strong enough endorsement for you, what is?
Foria is currently only available through membership with a California collective, so if you’re a golden state native, don’t waste the opportunity.
One of the most powerful male sex toys on the market, Autoblow 2 is an automatic blowjob machine that, like the Ariel vibe for women, gets the job done. Built for more than 500 hours of use, the people at Autoblow dub the machine a “masturbation appliance,” rather than a toy. The stroking machine employs a high-quality industrial strength motor and must be plugged into an electrical outlet. Built for dudes of all sizes, it comes with three different-sized sleeves to insert into the machine.
Just don’t take this one home to visit your parents this holiday: It’s not a silent toy by any means, with a sound Autoblow’s creator Brian Sloan likened to a “wind-shield wiper.”
On the opposite end of the sound spectrum, the adorably discreet “Kandi Kisses” lipstick vibe is whisper quiet. Small but strong, the silicone vibe includes seven different vibration patterns and, when fully charged, can last for three hours. Like your iPhone, it can be charged via USB and fit right into your bag. Also like your iPhone, you’ll never leave home without it.
Look, Pornhub and Redtube are great when you’re looking to get off in a pinch (or squeeze), or if quick and dirty online stuff actually suits your fancy. But there are some porn producers that are making porn a legitimate art form, so get cultured and invest in porn that you (or your partners) legitimately enjoy. Erika Lust’s films are great for women and couples (and film students!) who want their titillation with a side of artful cinematography, while Indie Porn Revolution offers inclusive, ethical porn for people of all persuasions. Bonus: you’re totally supporting small businesses when you purchase porn from smaller, independent porn producers. It’s like doing your holiday shopping on Etsy, only hotter.
NSFW Board Games
Board games in the bedroom are a seriously underrated form of foreplay. From the romantic to the kinky, there are a number of ways to have a couple’s “game night,” and this time, you don’t even have to listen to your boyfriend’s asshole friend gloat over all the sheep he has during Settlers of Catan, or watch your best friend give zero fucks about your friendship and screw you over in Monopoly—unless these things get you off, in which case, you do you.
You know when you buy your partner a gift basket full of awesome food, or neat shit, but really you’re just buying it because you also get to eat/enjoy the neat shit? Yeah, this is the sex version of that. With the Extreme Toyz Collection, virtually every type of sex play is an option. It includes two different vibrators and a dildo, ben wa balls—small, stimulating balls inserted vaginally—anal beads, a butt plug, a penis ring and penis sleeves that offer textured stimulation for your partner. Plus, at $70 for the entire kit, it’s a massive bargain. According to the retailer, you’ll save nearly $125.
If you really want to get into the holiday spirit, gift this candy cane-shaped glass dildo. While a little silly, the candy-cane is versatile, usable for g-spot stimulation and anal stimulation and able to be heated or cooled for temperature play. Plus, glass dildos are hypoallergenic and nonporous, making them easier to clean and more hygienic.