Are you a highly successful Wall Street banker who has everything in the world except for convenient, portable orgasms? Ugh, you poor unfortunate soul.
Enter: the 1 percent’s answer to getting their rocks off. Sex toy manufacturer Lelo rolled out Pino, a tiny vibrator crafted specifically for male bankers. Dubbed the “ultimate stimulus package,” the Pino features 10 vibration settings and a sleek ridge design to easily maneuver into optimal positions. The soft, silicone material is waterproof, thankfully, and comes in a bizarre gift set. The box includes silver cuff links and a money clip with “Always Be Closing” engraved on both. Oh, boy. We’re guessing this is Wall Street’s equivalent to a pick-up truck with a 3-foot lift kit?
the most exclusive couples ring in the world and is aimed at the Wolves of Wall Street and Gordon Gekkos of our communities
Yes, it’s a glorified cock ring with a price tag of $159. However, the company explains in a press release that the Pino “is the first pleasure object ever created to satisfy the hedonistic sexual cravings and excesses exhibited by members of the financial world.” Oh, but wait, it gets even better.
Lelo’s head of marketing, Steve Thomson, touts the product as “the most exclusive couples ring in the world and is aimed at the Wolves of Wall Street and Gordon Gekkos of our communities. They’re rarely satisfied and always looking for new limits to push, so PINO is about meeting those demands and adding a new adventurism to their sex lives.” Because plebs have no time for adventurous sex, they’re too busy being… poor.
Ok, I’m going to go now and jack off in the corner with my $5 cock ring I bought off a hippie on Venice Beach. Cry.