People Are Sending Dildos to Oregon Militia Instead of Requested Foodstuffs

Dildos mailed to Oregon militia

Their right to bear polyurethane dongs shall not be infringed upon…

The strange standoff between the Oregon militiamen and the federal government continues to become a satirical caricature of itself. The internet of course can’t control itself and has hoped onboard the all too easy free-for-all. It all started with a few individuals on Twitter creating homoerotic fanfiction about the militiamen, now individuals around the country are mailing the holed-up Wild West patriots boxes upon boxes of fabulous dildos. How a man’s mind wanders in isolation…

For the most part, the Oregon Wildlife Refuge protest has bewildered the on-looking public. What are they doing? What are their goals? Shouldn’t they be at work? What we do know, however, is that these masterminds didn’t quite plan their whole long-term occupation strategy too well. Once settled into their new federal abode, the group quickly began running low on crucial supplies.

People Are Sending Dildos to Oregon Militia

Supply List Request

The militia consequently asked their supporters to send much needed provisions, releasing a very detailed wish list including but not limited to: Brats, money, hay, ‘medicine’ (specifically), French Vanilla coffee creamer, Marlboro Reds 100s, as well as ‘throw rugs for doorways,’ you know, to spruce the place up a bit. Just because they’re rogue, vigilantes doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate a warm, homey aesthetic.

Rather than heeding the requests by these American patriots, people responded instead by sending care packages brimming with dildos, and lots of them to the protestors chagrin.

“It’s sad that there are people who would spend this kind of money on this rather than spending it to do good in the world,” fellow Oregon militiamen, Ritzheimer, noted in a Facebook video post.

Don’t knock it ‘til you try it. Remember, suction cups face outward, fellas.

Dallon Adams

Dallon Adams is a freelance writer based out of Louisville, KY. His other works include short fiction, prose, essays, daily news and lifestyle features.