How a Guy Would Write 50 Shades of Grey

Delightfully terrible 50 Shades of Grey is destined for the big screen next Valentine’s Day, and if the trailer is any indication, there will be no shortage of Twilight-inspired brooding and lip-biting, with the added kink of a seriously dysfunctional relationship dynamic.

The Fifty Shades Trilogy’s appeal has befuddled much of the American reading public, particularly men. In the interest of the honorable crusade to decode womenfolk and their fantasies about ties and whips, we picked excerpts from the novel and translated them to be more guy (and humanity) friendly.

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Original

’I still want more,’ I whisper. ‘I know,’ he says. ‘I’ll try.’ I blink up at him, and he relinquishes my hand and pulls at my chin, releasing my trapped lip. ‘For you, Anastasia, I will try.’

How a Guy Would Write It

‘I’m horny’ I whisper. We have sex and it lasts all of 3 minutes. At least he tried.

 

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Original

He’s naked except for those soft ripped jeans, top button casually undone. Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My subconscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.

How a Guy Would Write It

She’s naked, boobs out casually. It’s hot. My subconscious has an erection — oh wait, nope, it is I who has an erection.

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Original

What is it about elevators?

How a Guy Would Write It

What is it about elevators? I mean, how did we get to the point that we can basically take rides in travelling rooms to efficiently trek a vertical building? *Googles Elevators* Holy shit, they’ve been around since 236 BC!

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Original

‘Why don’t you like to be touched?’ ‘Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia.’

How a Guy Would Write It

‘Why don’t you like to cuddle?’ ‘Because it’s 90 fucking degrees outside.’

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Original

He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live – yet he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t.

How a Guy Would Write It

He pulls up outside my duplex. I realize he’s never asked me where I live – but he knows. I realize he’s a psycho stalker and promptly notify the police.

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Original

Perhaps Mr. Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if that’s legal.

How a Guy Would Write It

Perhaps Mr. Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. That’s definitely illegal, I should definitely hit up an employment lawyer if shit ever hits the fan.

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Original

Oh, fuck the paperwork.

How a Guy Would Write It

Oh, I’ll just fuck the paperwork; at least it doesn’t have a yapping inner goddess.

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~ How a Guy Would Write 50 Shades of Grey ~


Courtney Hamilton

An avid writer, reader, feminist and french fry fanatic.