Lions, Tigers, Bears, Oh My: The World of Life-Like Animal Dildos [NSFW]

Cencored Animal Dildos

You know we’re a sex-positive bunch over here at 7, but sometimes, we stumble across things that make us say, “That’s enough internet for today.” Case in point: anatomically correct, artistically embellished animal dildos. As in, dildos that accurately simulate the length and, er, contours of dog, horse and even crocodile penises.

These beasts (pun intended) are sold by a variety of online vendors, including Amazon, and aren’t for the faint of heart. With a sizable collection that includes orca and werewolf (?) penises, Fetishzone.net (link NSFW) carries what might be the Noah’s Ark of synthetic animal dongs. Each toy comes with the customizable option of three different firmness levels: soft, medium and hard. Because some people like simulating flaccid orca dick. Below are some of the more unusual offerings.


 

Dragon Dildo

dragon-dildo

Not quite a dildo, this dragon sheath is meant to be worn over the penis and is apparently version 2.0, with improvements to the “cum hole.” What I’m most interested in is the R&D behind determining dragon penis length, which, according to the toy, is about 9.8 inches.

Length: 9.8 inches

 


 

Horse Dildo

E12_jpg_w560h340

The above piece of equipment starts at $225, and well, there isn’t much I can say that the copy doesn’t already: “The Squirting-Inflatable Equinox features an inflatable lower section from the base testicles to about 1/2 way up the shaft that creates a gradual and gentle ‘tying’ effect. This long lobe naturally and gently ‘pulls’ in the last few inches of the Equinox and ensures maximum penetration against the large testicles. You control the lobe size from 1 to 10 pumps for a very gentle stretching and tying effect, to a more secure tie that pulls you firmly against the testicle base.”

Length: 12.5 inches 

 


 

Gryphon Dildo

fantasy sex toy

 Length: 10.75 Inches

 


 

Kangaroo Dildo

kangaroo-penis

“Now here’s a fellow that’ll definitely put a little ‘bounce’ in your step! He’s straight from the plains of Australia and he’s assured to show you a ‘gooday’.” Perfect.

Length: 10 inches 

 


 

Werewolf Dildo

fantasty-dildo

For the Team Jacob fan.

Length: 10 inches

 


 

Dog Dildo

N2a

Elypse Art, responsible also for the Equinox Equine Dildo, offers a number of these uniquely colored canine phalluses, which somewhat resemble glass pipes from your local head shop. The “Neo” models a small Boxer and is designed to mimic the actual process of dog sex. The best feature? “Stay put, soft, sensual and comfortable design for extended or under-garment wear.” Sorry, Fido.

Length:  6.25 inches

 


 

Crocodile Dildo

croclarge This behemoth is not even the largest of four available sizes, with an extra-large size the next step up. The copy for the toy features a colorful tale about dangerous crocodiles in Australia and culminates in what I’m pretty sure constitutes rape by alligator. It ends: “This Croc is definitely hungry, but it’s a hunger that will only be satisfied once your pants are off. You’ll be in for a wild ride as the Croc takes you roughly in the water, his belly cool on your skin while you feel his warmth enter you with a satisfying pop.”

Length: 10 inches

 


 

Orca Dildo

orca-dildo

Finally, the granddaddy of them all. Exotic-Erotics prove themselves wordsmiths with copy like “You’ll be swimming in a sea of lust from the moment this boy slides out of the box (or into yours, as it were).” How large is the Orca Large? Well, they distinguish between actual length and usable length, which still comes in at 16 inches. That’s a full 2.5 inches longer than the largest human penis, mind you.

Length: 16 inches

 


 



Courtney Hamilton

An avid writer, reader, feminist and french fry fanatic.