Have you ever been to a sex shop, only to be confronted with a dizzying array of edible sex accoutrements? Condoms in 500 different flavors, baffling edible underwear (How do they work? Do I just pull them on?), sprays, lubes and gels that promise cake batter flavor and arousing sensations.
Perhaps you’ve questioned the efficacy of edible sex toys. With the already bizarre flavors entertained during sex, you want to be sure throwing a mint condom into the mix won’t turn your partner’s dick into a facsimile toothbrush.
One Sunday afternoon, 7’s Eli, Charisma and I set out to demystify a collection of edible sex toys. For you, readers. Also for shits and giggles, but mostly for you.
We sat cross-legged in a circle on the floor, with boxes adorned with lips and chocolate strawberries and banana-colored tubes reading “Dickalicious” splayed out in front of us. Charisma aptly observed: “I feel like we’re opening presents. It’s like Christmas!”
We tested and rated on a 1-10 scale: Pipedream’s “Edible Crotchless Gummy Panties” in Green Apple, Edible Undies’ namesake “Edible Undies” in Chocolate Strawberry, Trustex’s Vanilla and Mint flavored condoms, Dickalicious’ “Banana Penis Arousal Gel,” and Pipedream’s “Comfortably Numb Mint Chocolate Deep Throat Spray.”
Yes, it’s (quite literally) a mouthful. Here are the results.
Edible Crotchless Gummy Panties
Have you ever forgotten a pack of sour gummy worms in your pantry so long that they grow hard and obstinately chewy? Would you enjoy them on your crotch? Then these are for you.
After you figure out how to assemble them, that is. Per my recording, it took the four of us five minutes to form these into a thong.
The alien-shaped candy underwear portion, complete with an inexplicable lace strip, is accompanied by a couple strings and zero instructions. The back (unhelpfully) reads:
Find out how many licks it takes to get to your sweet spot! Turn yourself into a tasty treat with these yummy Edible Gummy Undies. These delicious, delightfully flavored candy undies are a sexy way to satisfy your lover’s sweet tooth. Best of all, you get to be the main course!
While instruction-free, that is some beautiful copy. Eli wondered aloud how one becomes a professional sex-toy description writer. The back even includes nutrition facts, for those of you who count calories while performing cunnilingus.
Flavor: Green Apple
Consensus: Decent. It’s a leather-hard, vagina-shaped sour gummy candy. We ate the entirety of this by the end of our taste session. Whether it would make an enjoyable addition to sex is unclear.
Choco-Strawberry Technicolor Diaper
Or more specifically, Edible Undies’ “Edible Undies”. Cheers to the most redundant brand-name ever. The box is translated into four different languages, apparently aiming for global appeal. It was fun to butcher every language on the box.
Whereas Pipedream’s Edible Undies were leather-hard, these are paper-thin. Too thin—they dissolve with any moisture. They’re like a flimsy fruit roll-up.
The first thing I said when the box opened: “I’m not excited to eat this.” Eli said, “It looks like a Technicolor diaper.” All appropriate reactions, it turned out.
The flavor of these dessous mangeables is terrible, but the way the film dissolves into a sticky residue is worse.
The undies stain like the world’s worst Hot Cheeto dust. My fingers were left a rosy shade of pink; I hate to think what color one’s genitals would be.
The residue stuck to Charisma’s teeth, prompting her to immediately rinse out her mouth.
Eli simply said, “Ugh, shit.”
Company: Edible Undies
Flavor: Chocolate Strawberry
Consensus: The undies’ only redeeming factor is a potential couple’s shower, though rigorously scrubbing the residue off your bits might not be your sexiest moment.
Vanilla and Mint-Flavored Condoms
Like our phallic banana pictures?! Eli is a trooper. I tasted mine “condom-on-the-cob” style, because my parents could find this.
Both flavors are subtle; you can’t taste much without sucking on them—but I guess that’s the point. The mint flavor is, well, minty, and thankfully doesn’t taste like toothpaste.
After tasting the vanilla flavor, Charisma cooed: “Oooh, this one is good you guys, it could go on a cake.”
Flavor: Vanilla and Mint
Consensus: These could make oral copulation a pretty decent experience. Thumbs up.
Banana Penis “Arousal Gel”
This tube bares a dangerous resemblance to sunblock. That would be an unfortunate mix-up.
The gel itself is the consistency of Vaseline and squirts out yellow. “Like a bird just shat on me,” Eli explained.
Upon first taste, he shouted: “Oh my god! It tastes like Juicy Fruit gum!” Charisma described it as “airy.”
My personal opinion of Dickalicious gel is evidenced in the above photo.
The arousal effects include a tingling sensation, not unlike pins and needles.
Consensus: Charisma and Eli are fans. It’s too cloying for me. The tingling sensation could be interesting, if you’re into that.
Mint Chocolate Deep-Throat Numbing Spray
“Hey, you know the numbing local anesthetic from the dentist? Wouldn’t it be fun to couple that sensation with blowjobs?” said no one ever. Except the developers at Pipedream.
I was initially excited by the prospect of mint-chocolate. It’s like ice cream! The box says this could be used as a breath freshener as well.
The presentation is a cross between a perfume bottle and drugs.
The flavor is vaguely chocolaty. It’s hard to taste with a numb mouth.
Flavor: Mint Chocolate
Consensus: Thankfully for our taste test, the numbness fades quickly. That may be a downside for actual deep-throating.
Dickalicious at 7.5 for most practical and Pipedream’s Edible Underwear at 8 for most delicious.