How To Have ‘Artisanal Sex’


The original sexpert Dr. Ruth Westheimer has either adopted the mentality of a Brooklyn barista or she’s mocking one: Check out her new Twitter fascination with the term “artisanal sex.”

“Artisanal sex,” according to the octogenarian sex therapist and cultural icon, “can’t be rushed. Savor the moment, even the smells.” Like a single origin hand-poured $6 cup of coffee, you take your time with artisanal sex.

Westheimer tweeted almost exclusively about the concept for a week. She channels her inner bearded and tattooed hipster chef with gems like, “Artisanal Sex could certainly include a massage w/an unexpected oily substance like coconut oil or lard or even tomato sauce if you’d like.” Ooh, saucy.

According to her first tweet about artisanal sex, Westheimer seems to have coined the term to promote authentic (insert your own extension of the hipster food mentality metaphor here) sex and intimacy, rather than sex that replicates porn.

Here, Westheimer takes a cue from shent-donning Ina Garten’s insistence on “good” olive oil and “good” vanilla. Only sweet butter will provide the creaminess you’re looking for.

The same is not true for breakfast, we’d argue.

While on the hunt for your one-of-a-kind vintage furniture finds, consider the artisanal sex opportunities.

Naturally, the Twitterverse’s response to Westheimer’s term has been swift and witty. In a response to her prompt, “Are you going to have artisanal sex this wknd? Report back to me what that means to you,” Twitter users offered these treasures.

We’re not sure this is legal.

Other tweets noted that artisanal sex is always “locally sourced” and referenced Portlandia, as you do in these situations.

No word on whether we’ll soon see a tatted Westheimer doling out sex advice while sipping Cortados in Williamsburg, or if she’s throwing shade at the whole concept. Perhaps it’s a bit of both.

Picthx weheartit

Courtney Hamilton

An avid writer, reader, feminist and french fry fanatic.