I Replaced All My Coffee with Weed K-Cups. Here’s What Happened

Weed K-Cups

It’s hard to believe a 30-year-old bartender who lives alone and is addicted to Netflix and Playstation smokes pot but hey, it’s the life that chose me. So, when my editor asked if I’d like to “test” a batch of Pot-O-Coffee (we see what you did there), I decided to replace my regular intake of K-Cups with their weed-infused version.

I figured it would be just like snacking on a brownie with my daily cup of Joe, but in liquid form. It was not. What happened turned out to be the weirdest day of my life.

9:30am

I wake up and start my morning routine of showering, pooing, and firing up my Keurig. I proceed to load up a 50mg pod, a blend of arabica coffee and cannabis oil, and head outside for a cigarette. When I open the door my house is filled with the smell of fresh coffee and not marijuana. The coffee itself is delicious, slightly bitter with just the right amount of caffeine.

10:30am

Coffee is done. My eyes don’t feel heavy but my brain is telling me that I’m stoned. Cap’n Crunch to the rescue.

10:45am

I set out on foot to work. Why not walk? What’s the worst that can happen?

11:00am

Shit, I forgot to make a K-Cup for later while I’m at work. Slowly make my way back home.

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11:10am

Glad I came back, left all my lights on and the coffee machine is still running. I notice that the 50mg did not leave any residue on the glass, however, the 150mg did leave a slightly green residue on the mug. So watch out if you’re attempting to drink this in an office setting.

11:25am

15-minute conversation with a man on my street about the weather and these sketchy people that live across the from us. Normally I’d have walked off but this tiny ancient racist is making me giggle with his bigotry. The jokes stop once he mentions Donald trump. I’m not high enough for this.

12:00pm

I get bored of holding my coffee for later so I drink it. 150mg of pot is now in my belly, now it’s time for some real food.

12:30pm

After eating I decide that I’m over walking forever and call an uber. He arrives 10 minutes later in a truck and blaring some sort of rap/rock/reggae band that makes me feel fidgety and uncomfortable.

12:34pm

While making a right hand turn from the middle lane our car is struck by a vehicle in the lane next to us. Thankfully, the only thing hurting is my ears from this awful music. As the other driver gets out to exchange information I realize that due to my marijuana intake I didn’t tense up at all when the car hit us. Did weed just save my life?

12:47pm

Police arrive. I’m sitting on the sidewalk giving my statement and tell the officer that weed prevented this from being a tragedy. He doesn’t seem amused.

1:00pm

I walk the rest of the way to work stopping only once to smoke a bowl and contemplate the consequences of driving while being an idiot.

1:01pm – 4:00pm

At work years before I need to be. We don’t even open for four hours. Not much happened, or maybe a lot of stuff happened. Either way it was white noise as I finished my daily inventory sheets. Whiskey? Check. Gin? Yup. Wait, do we have whiskey? Fuck, Howard the Duck was a super underrated movie. Why isn’t Leeann rhymes a female rapper’s name yet? Weird is a weird word, what happened to “I before E except after C?” Do we have gin?…

5:00pm

I’m behind the bar, tickets are coming through, the night is in full swing and I’ve started drinking my third K-Cup. This time it’s a hot chocolate infused with 50mg of THC. Obviously it’s sweeter than the coffee but it’s still good. I imagine myself sitting in front of a fire enjoying a cup of this with my beautiful wife and our four children, watching Howard the Duck, as snow falls against our cottage.

5:30pm

I’m feeling like a million bucks.

6:15pm

Hunger sets in again, time for a quesadilla and one last k-cup, another 50mg coffee.

7:00pm

A patron at the bar has had a little too much during happy hour. I escort him outside for some fresh air and he proceeds to tell me about how “fucking white people are ruining this town.” I laugh, who gives a shit. Thank you k-cups for giving me the courage to say, “meh.”

9:30pm

Still feeling the effects although the lethargic heady feeling I’m used to is gone and replaced with a sort of clear headedness you would usually have while sober.

10:45pm

I’m off work and feeling great. I think it’s time for a drink or four. After locking up, a coworker and I find a tiny dog wandering the streets, we name him Kyle and bring him with us to the bar.

12:30am

One of the bartenders informs us that Kyle isn’t named Kyle and his owner is a man that hangs around playing harmonica. Who the hell am I to deny this little guy his right to chill all day and listen to sweet harmonica tunes? So we take him back not because we want to, but because it’s the right thing to do. I’m too stoned for this.

I get home around 2am and as I pack another bowl I realize there’s no need, I’m pretty high still.

9:30am, Next Day

I wake up the next day with no hangover to find a half-drank beer and an empty bag of popcorn, I didn’t know I had any popcorn but I’m okay with it. As I start my day I wish I had a few more of those magic pods… time for a trip to the shop.

All in all I’d say these tiny weed-coffee buckets are the coolest thing to happen to mornings since Drew Carrey took over The Price is Right. My lawyer says I’m not allowed to make claims that coffee filled with marijuana will keep you safe in an accident but I think we all know what happened and we will leave it at that.

The end.

(Read This Next: I Ate Weed Pho and Ended Up in Tijuana with Tammy)



Jefferson Matthew VanBilliard

Jefferson is a Leo, plays the clarinet, and makes cocktails for a living. If any of his articles offend you he has informed us that you can usually find him off 4th and Bush in DTSA feeding the pigeons and rollerblading.