I Replaced All My Coffee with Weed K-Cups. Here’s What Happened

Weed K-Cups

It’s hard to believe a 30-year-old bartender who lives alone and is addicted to Netflix and Playstation smokes pot but hey, it’s the life that chose me. So, when my editor asked if I’d like to “test” a batch of Pot-O-Coffee (we see what you did there), I decided to replace my regular intake of K-Cups with their weed-infused version.

I figured it would be just like snacking on a brownie with my daily cup of Joe, but in liquid form. It was not. What happened turned out to be the weirdest day of my life.


I wake up and start my morning routine of showering, pooing, and firing up my Keurig. I proceed to load up a 50mg pod, a blend of arabica coffee and cannabis oil, and head outside for a cigarette. When I open the door my house is filled with the smell of fresh coffee and not marijuana. The coffee itself is delicious, slightly bitter with just the right amount of caffeine.


Coffee is done. My eyes don’t feel heavy but my brain is telling me that I’m stoned. Cap’n Crunch to the rescue.


I set out on foot to work. Why not walk? What’s the worst that can happen?


Shit, I forgot to make a K-Cup for later while I’m at work. Slowly make my way back home.



Glad I came back, left all my lights on and the coffee machine is still running. I notice that the 50mg did not leave any residue on the glass, however, the 150mg did leave a slightly green residue on the mug. So watch out if you’re attempting to drink this in an office setting.


15-minute conversation with a man on my street about the weather and these sketchy people that live across the from us. Normally I’d have walked off but this tiny ancient racist is making me giggle with his bigotry. The jokes stop once he mentions Donald trump. I’m not high enough for this.


I get bored of holding my coffee for later so I drink it. 150mg of pot is now in my belly, now it’s time for some real food.


After eating I decide that I’m over walking forever and call an uber. He arrives 10 minutes later in a truck and blaring some sort of rap/rock/reggae band that makes me feel fidgety and uncomfortable.


While making a right hand turn from the middle lane our car is struck by a vehicle in the lane next to us. Thankfully, the only thing hurting is my ears from this awful music. As the other driver gets out to exchange information I realize that due to my marijuana intake I didn’t tense up at all when the car hit us. Did weed just save my life?


Police arrive. I’m sitting on the sidewalk giving my statement and tell the officer that weed prevented this from being a tragedy. He doesn’t seem amused.


I walk the rest of the way to work stopping only once to smoke a bowl and contemplate the consequences of driving while being an idiot.

1:01pm – 4:00pm

At work years before I need to be. We don’t even open for four hours. Not much happened, or maybe a lot of stuff happened. Either way it was white noise as I finished my daily inventory sheets. Whiskey? Check. Gin? Yup. Wait, do we have whiskey? Fuck, Howard the Duck was a super underrated movie. Why isn’t Leeann rhymes a female rapper’s name yet? Weird is a weird word, what happened to “I before E except after C?” Do we have gin?…


I’m behind the bar, tickets are coming through, the night is in full swing and I’ve started drinking my third K-Cup. This time it’s a hot chocolate infused with 50mg of THC. Obviously it’s sweeter than the coffee but it’s still good. I imagine myself sitting in front of a fire enjoying a cup of this with my beautiful wife and our four children, watching Howard the Duck, as snow falls against our cottage.


I’m feeling like a million bucks.


Hunger sets in again, time for a quesadilla and one last k-cup, another 50mg coffee.


A patron at the bar has had a little too much during happy hour. I escort him outside for some fresh air and he proceeds to tell me about how “fucking white people are ruining this town.” I laugh, who gives a shit. Thank you k-cups for giving me the courage to say, “meh.”


Still feeling the effects although the lethargic heady feeling I’m used to is gone and replaced with a sort of clear headedness you would usually have while sober.


I’m off work and feeling great. I think it’s time for a drink or four. After locking up, a coworker and I find a tiny dog wandering the streets, we name him Kyle and bring him with us to the bar.


One of the bartenders informs us that Kyle isn’t named Kyle and his owner is a man that hangs around playing harmonica. Who the hell am I to deny this little guy his right to chill all day and listen to sweet harmonica tunes? So we take him back not because we want to, but because it’s the right thing to do. I’m too stoned for this.

I get home around 2am and as I pack another bowl I realize there’s no need, I’m pretty high still.

9:30am, Next Day

I wake up the next day with no hangover to find a half-drank beer and an empty bag of popcorn, I didn’t know I had any popcorn but I’m okay with it. As I start my day I wish I had a few more of those magic pods… time for a trip to the shop.

All in all I’d say these tiny weed-coffee buckets are the coolest thing to happen to mornings since Drew Carrey took over The Price is Right. My lawyer says I’m not allowed to make claims that coffee filled with marijuana will keep you safe in an accident but I think we all know what happened and we will leave it at that.

The end.

(Read This Next: I Ate Weed Pho and Ended Up in Tijuana with Tammy)

Jefferson Matthew VanBilliard

Jefferson is a Leo, plays the clarinet, and makes cocktails for a living. If any of his articles offend you he has informed us that you can usually find him off 4th and Bush in DTSA feeding the pigeons and rollerblading.

  • kb7rky

    These sorts of “articles” are harder to write than they seem without coming across as a talentless hack who’s simply trying and utterly failing to copy something he’s seen done before that looks easy because, hey, it’s just all about stringing together a couple of sentences for a bunch of random timestamps, right? Anyway, this is a good example of what one looks like when the person writing one is, in fact, a talentless hack.

    Don’t give up the day job.

    • columbuscook

      so angry.

      • kb7rky

        Not necessarily…I’m just sick of seeing “writers” kludge together these “articles” without any forethought to arranging them in a sensible fashion.

        Too bad that, nowadays, all you need to be a “writer” is access to the internet, and an opinion.

        • tnpe6pgvm5

          And what about that damn rock an roll music! Stupid kids… Music isn’t supposed to be loud and promote sex! Music should never change, neither should painting, architecture, sculpture, or writing! People go to school for that and learn how to do it right, not this experimental, express yourself however you want crap! And telling people “if you don’t like it, ignore it” is nonsense: Everything everyone does should be just how I think it’s supposed to be. Maybe we need a law…..

          • Roberta Mann

            …and you, yeah YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN!

        • CHUNGO

          can it!

    • Andrew Madigan

      You expect more? He smokes tobacco.

  • Hard Little Machine

    So basically you were high all day for your 5 hr ‘job’. Can a MacArthur genius grant be far behind?

  • Elephantitis


  • Mike_Comments

    Thanks for the insights. It will be an interesting world when marijuana is legal everywhere.

  • Myrddnn

    Brool story, co!

  • MrKamikaze

    Such a time saver not having to roll a joint and light up before work…..

  • GeorgeAMNI

    “Did weed just save my life?” Spit a little (normal) coffee out reading that lmao. Thank you for this gem

  • gonz


  • Nick

    At no point during your incoherent rambling did you even come close to forming a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber. I award you no points…and may god have mercy on your soul

  • Will.I.am.not

    The tree huggers are going to say you are wasteful and destroying the planet for using a disposable K-Cup. They need to just sell the final product so you can put it in one of these. http://amzn.to/1LYvcay Then EVERYONE can be happy!

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  • nubwaxer

    i couldn’t use medical cannabis in my apartment because the feds have a piece of the action in the ownership or management of the complex. besides, cannabis denies your ability to dream and in my pathetic life i can count on dreaming every night.

  • Nancy Anderson-Price

    I clicked on the article in hopes to find information, that some (not all) use for relief (there’s the “I” before “E”) and function without being “Stoned all day” = useless. Looking forward to information that really helps people to understand how important and beneficial this PLANT can be for so many, not just “copping a buzz” and getting the munchies. Oh well.