PHOTOGRAPHY BY DOMINIQUE ZAMORA
When I got word that Weedmaps was interested in doing a marijuana and food pairing, I pictured sitting in a very posh restaurant shoving steaks in my mouth while taking dabs and blowing it in rich old ladies faces. But since we couldn’t find a steakhouse that served filet mignon with a bong (but we will, eventually), I headed to the Weedmaps offices with bags full of dirty fast food and hot boxed the joint.
Employing the same meticulous method of a wine and cheese pairing, sans pinky out, Brad, our weed connoisseur, guided me through the first (official) marijuana and fast food pairing. Sure, you’ve been doing this since college, but it turns out there’s an art to those 2 AM munchies. And since this is 7Deadly, we went with the
worst best of your late night favorites and smoked some of the greenest trees California has to offer. Or morning favorites, there’s no judgement here.
MUNCHIE: BIG MAC, MC DONALD’S
STRAIN: OG TONIC, HYBRID
First we start with the king of fast food, the almighty McDonald’s, paired with the High Times 2015 winner for Best CBD concentrate, OG Tonic. The tart smell coming from these brilliant green clusters pairs well with the Big Mac’s funky thousand island-ish sauce, while the OG Tonic will get you stoned enough that you don’t feel bad for eating double your daily calorie count in one sitting. Just make sure you tell them no onions, that raw, white, disgusting goo has to go. As I finish my burger I realize how much more food I’m supposed to eat today, luckily the OG tonic has me hungry enough for some more
terrible fantastic food choices that I love so much.
MUNCHIE: NACHO CHEESE DORITOS LOCOS TACOS, TACO BELL
STRAIN: KEY LIME, SATIVA
We move on from the cheery hamburger clown to the staff’s personal favorite, Taco Bell. The nacho cheese dust from the DLT immediately stains our fingertips neon orange but we’re not complaining. Brad pairs it with the sativa-heavy Key Lime strain. This particular sativa has a slightly sour flavor that cuts through the thick taste of nacho cheese and beef. I soak the taco in the hottest sauce, and as I bite into it, I swear the citrus zing of the Key Lime enhances the debauchery happening in my mouth. The next Taco Bell board meeting should be about deciding to include this strain in every bag they sell.
MUNCHIE: DOUBLE WESTERN BACON CHEESEBURGER, CARL’S JR.
STRAIN: LOUIS XIII, INDICA
Carl’s Jr. … the “Larry the Cable Guy” of fast food, was up next on our list of pairings. I’ve enjoyed my fair share of Double Westerns but there’s something about the familiar piney aroma of this indica that adds a nice subtleness to the tower of bacon, double meat patties and onion rings. Taking an earthy hit of Louis XIII is refreshing after eating the grease bomb. The strain itself is beautiful, a phenotype of OG Kush known for delivering powerful body highs.
At about 20% THC, I’m wondering if maybe this should have been saved for last considering I’m now sinking further and further into the couch. Every bag of food in front of me is laughing at my body’s inferior ability to process ten different kinds of fast food. After finishing this monster of a burger, I realize I didn’t want this pairing to end, so we all smoke one last bowl to honor the king himself.
MUNCHIE: TACOS, JACK IN THE BOX
STRAIN: LIQUID BUTTER, INDICA
As the next bag is dropped in front of me I don’t even need to look, its greasy smell was all to familiar. Has anything in the history of everything been good that costs fifty cents? I doubt it as I fire up the most beautiful pairing the midnight snack community has ever witnessed…. Liquid Butter. Just like it’s semi-edible companion, this strain is best for someone that doesn’t have a lot to do later besides sitting on your couch (or toilet) and wondering why you’re a glutton for punishment. So after examining every inch of this taco for any foreign objects or traces of actual food, I bite into it and realize that I’ve never eaten a taco from Jack in the box with the sun still being out. Still, after several bites and a lot of taco sauce, I light up the Liquid Butter. Holy shit, it tastes like I’m smoking a taco. What a time to be alive.
MUNCHIE: KFC FRIED CHICKEN
STRAIN: MAUI SOUR, SATIVA
KFC advertises the colonel’s 11 secret herbs and spices as a sort of DNA sequence for delicious “chicken.” After finishing off a bowl of this sativa-heavy hybrid, I’m convinced Maui Sour has got to be a part of it. The lemony-pineapple zest from this heady strain lingers in your mouth long after you’ve finished your three pieces and a biscuit. I haven’t eaten KFC in a few years after witnessing what can only be described as a classy, limp, blowjob inside of a KFC bathroom in the tenderloin of SF, but I’m not mad at this pairing. I hope that man was able to forgive me for laughing when I opened the door.
MUNCHIE: FRIED POPCORN SHRIMP, POPEYES
STRAIN: PINEAPPLE HAZE, SATIVA
The Pineapple Haze has a fresh, slightly sour smell that lightens up this deep-fried snack attack that goes something like this: bowl, dip, eat, repeat. At this point in the pairing I’m feeling it and the idea of taking a solid 4-hour nap sounds like a really good idea. Luckily, after another hit of this uplifting sativa, it’s just the thing I need to shake off the sleep and I’m inspired enough to prop myself an inch off the couch.
MUNCHIE: CHICKEN FRIES, BURGER KING
STRAIN: KING’S RESERVE, HYBRID
The moment we open the bag, I know I’m going to be hating myself for eating whatever the hell a chicken fry is. So I do what anyone else would do in that situation….I throw it away and smoke the Kings Reserve instead. 10/10 would not eat but this weed is fire. Part OG Kush and the hard-to-find Grape strain, these bright, colorful, nugs give off a nice lavender floral scent that reminds me of my grandmas house or a fat girl’s body spray. So, in the interest of science I eat the chicken fry and it’s not so bad. Granted it taste like a chicken-flavored marshmallow but what do you expect from the restaurant that gave the world green poo from their Halloween Whopper?
MUNCHIE: BROCCOLI BEEF, PANDA EXPRESS
STRAIN: THE HOLY GRAIL, HYBRID
Fast food restaurants are just that, fast. But that doesn’t matter to Panda Express, you have to get your fat ass out of your Kia and waddle into that place with both of your chins held high. Which is why I don’t go there very often even though I love it. The beef broccoli is my go-to and gets paired with the Holy Grail, a nice indica-dominant hybrid with a distinct grapefruit flavor. As we dig into the bowl of MSG savoriness, the intense OG Flavor nicely balances out salty beef broccoli. I finish what I can of the Pandas’ glorious beef bowl and opt for one last hit of the devils lettuce, trying to not look like a paranoid teenager who’s having a bad trip.
If you’d like to try these pairings yourself (and have a medical marijuana card), you can head over to Rite Green Delivery.